To the best of my knowledge:

  • The absurd is the new norm.
  • In addition to its ridiculous self-checkout, Hy-Vee will now make us unload trucks, cut meat, bake donuts, and scramble our own eggs in its overpriced coffee.
  • I’m talking a lot of slapping for a guy who leaves the light on in his bathroom every night.
  • People hate happy people.
  • The wonders of the Zip-Loc bag never cease to amaze me.
  • I can’t walk past a Fruit of the Loom display without laughing, remembering vintage TV commercials. Guys got paid to play fruit. Surprising.
  • The world needs more people like Miss Iowa, Bailey Hodson. I had a recent encounter with her, and she is impressive. Iowa is in great shape with Hodson as spokesperson.
  • We all have that person in our lives that karma missed, but we hope they get them in round two.
  • Greg Gutfield and Kat Timpf are the best combination on television.
  • I didn’t kill anything. Those factories in my office couldn’t handle life in a fast-paced world.
  • I’m good at keeping secrets because I can’t remember what someone says to me 15 minutes after the conversation.
  • I know a lot of people who can drive a stick. On top of a broom.
  • They could be about to unplug my life support and I’d still crave Alfano’s Pizza.
  • Albert Pujols made summer fun.
  • There’s no limit to the things I can’t notice until it’s too late.
  • I will sell but I will never buy.
  • Due to the ridiculous scam that is the cost of an egg, the Easter Bunny has filed Chapter 11. What a commotion.
  • “I was told we had to accept our mistakes, so my wife hugged me.” (A longtime pal over coffee.)
  • It’s always a win for me when I remember where I’m going and why.
  • “Adam Levine was also texting me.” (a woman in her twenties to her friends joking that the Maroon 5 singer was in trouble for texting women outside his marriage. This was above the line d waiting at the Moline Target).
  • One is a career politician with some really bad hair. The other is a career hustler with an ego the size of Montana and the worst combover in the history of the world. Neither should run a country as big as ours. Please, Mike Pence, step up. Please.
  • If social media had a silly filter…. The possibilities are limitless.
  • When you say “have a great day” and the person on the other end says “have a great day,” the “good” person feels like they’ve failed in the positive outlook realm.
  • There should be a constitutional amendment banning drivers from Iowa, Michigan and Kentucky.
  • The coolest thing I heard this week was, “A Twitter feed can’t replace a thought-provoking book.”
  • Classless attack ads and millions of dollars spent to discredit someone – and most of the time they’re ridiculous – while kids in Iowa and Illinois go to bed hungry. Some people need to look in the mirror.
  • I didn’t get knocked over when I was a baby, but I’ve been catching up ever since.
  • If ignorance is bliss, Captain Combover and Uncle Joe Biden should have wide smiles on their faces.
  • I don’t live in Illinois, but I would vote for Mike Thoms. I live in Iowa and will vote for Kim Reynolds and Mike Vondran. I would also vote for Craig Cooper if I lived in his neighborhood. I don’t have time for imposters.
  • Like many of you my age, I was raised on cartoons.
  • My middle school PE class taught me square dancing in eighth grade. Well, it’s been five decades and not a single blow has ever erupted before me.
  • Quad-Cities high school marching bands are as good as anywhere in two states. Everywhere. End of the conversation.
  • No matter how stupid you feel sometimes, never forget that Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out that a wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.
  • “Until Death Do Us Part always felt a bit extreme.” (Divorced friend at lunch.)
  • The late Ed Welvaert, who recently passed away at the age of 93, was the best to give back. Between my work as a sportswriter, columnist, coaching high school football and baseball, and now on television, I spent four decades in local high school events. Every school has great boosters, but every school has a core of four or five who are there for every project. Each project….

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For almost seven decades. Welvaert, as well as Cliff Quick, Ken Moore and Bernie Mahieu were so for Moline High School. Welvaert was the greatest pork chop cooker in Western Big 6 history and ranks in the top five all-time locally for volunteerism. His phone pioneers were also amazing, forever giving back to the community. Welvaert always gave me that “You’re not from Moline” a grumpy look every time I saw him and then I got a handshake that hurt my hand and a hug from ‘bear. What a great man. We miss him on so many fronts.

  • Bettendorf’s Joey Dwyer has accepted the play-by-play voice job of Macon Mayhem from SPHL. Dwyer, who will play in all 56 Mayhem hockey games this season, provided the voice last season for the Quad City Storm. The son of local radio legend Greg Dwyer, Joey Dwyer played college football and men’s and women’s basketball for ESPN during his college years at ISU and worked at the college radio station. Dwyer has a great voice, knows hockey well and is a tireless worker. He will excel in anything he does in the broadcasting world because of his talent and tremendous work ethic.

John Marx is a columnist for The Dispatch/The Rock Island Argus and the Quad City Times.